Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.